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Date of Issue: December 22, 2005

How the Grinch stole Island Christmas

The Grinch was in a bind, he was way behind
In stealing Christmas from Island time.

He sat in his sandcastle and saw Islanders dreaming
Of Christmas cheer, then he began scheming.

The Islanders shouldn't have this much fun.
Why, let's get rid of Christmas, and so he begun.

In Anna Maria it seemed one day
They wanted Christmas decorations for their annual play.

That won't do, said the Grinch with a sneer,
You'll dance to my tune, or you'll get no cheer.
The politically correct term is "holiday decorations"
Say it, or I'll give you 30 lacerations.

But the Grinch was not satisfied with this small victory,
Why, let's consign Christmas to ancient history.

His minions complained loudly one day
In Holmes Beach that decorations were just too Christmasy.
There must be no mention of Christmas, don't you see.
It's about a boy's birthday and that offends me.
And the Grinch banished the greeting that had stood through time.
Merry Christmas could not be part of this rhyme.

Instead said the Grinch, in all his wisdom,
Happy Holidays will be said throughout the Island kingdom.

The Grinch ensured there was no Christmas Parade.
Instead, it was just a plain holiday charade.
Boats had to sail with holiday lights
Out of fear that Christmas bulbs would give a fright.

The Grinch advised the three Island towns,
That no Christmas Party could be held, now that brought a few frowns.
But a holiday party would be acceptable
As long as the city closed for the "holidays," that was reputable.

But the Grinch was not content with getting rid of Island Christmas.
He turned to Longboat Key, where he got to dismiss
A lighted Christmas tree he said was offensive, Although some of the folk who didn't celebrate Christmas
Thought the Grinch was being much too defensive.

And Christmas gifts were banned from the Island,
But a "holiday" present would keep all smilin'.

The Grinch in his rage found Bing Crosby disgusting
For singing "White Christmas" at a public projecting.

We'll change this song, and that's for sure,
to "Snowy Holiday," now that's politically pure.

No more Christmas dinners proclaimed the Grinch. It's a holiday dinner, or you're making a stench.

Nativity scenes will all be replaced the Grinch floundered,
With images of shoppers buying frankincense, gold and myrrh at the K-Mart counter.

The Grinch was pleased for he saw the day
When Christmas wouldn't come because he'd taken it away.

But when Christmas came, the Grinch was annoyed.
For people still went to church smiling and buoyed.
They said "Merry Christmas" to friends and family.
Leaving poor Mr. Grinch not very happy.

Christmas came anyway, and that was no ploy
That even the politically correct police couldn't destroy.

The Grinch he thought and he thought some more.
And realized he couldn't steal Island Christmas, why he'd been a bore!

So, he closed his short and sweet little brief
With two words that would cause the politically correct grief.

But even Rhett Butler would understand
When the Grinch said "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

"Merry Christmas."

With apologies to Dr. Seuss