Town coot Whiskey Jones streaked down Oak Avenue late last night. Covered in mud, Santa DeSoto’s unofficial loon screamed all through the night declaring the soon-to-be-constructed cell tower a “work of the Devil.”
Jones claimed the signals from the tower scrambled his brain making it possible for the government to read his mind and make him vote Republican. (Jones is a registered Libertarian.)
Dolphin County Sheriff’s deputy Marty Stiletto refused to arrest the naked man even after receiving numerous complaints about noise.
“I’m not paid enough to tackle an old, naked guy,” said Stiletto to a gathered group of angry residents. “You want him to be quiet, you shut him up.”
No one did anything.
Jones eventually calmed down at dawn screaming at the light. His last words as he disappeared into the mangroves involved a few choice curses aimed at President Omaha, the sheriff’s office and the local library.